Toddler Physics

We all know that toddlers come with their own set of rules for how the world works.

• It is ok to dip melon in ketchup and ranch before eating
• It is ok to say, "I don't like you." to anyone who has displeased you, or just breathed wrong
• It is ok to wake up before 6 am
• It is ok to wake up before 5 am
• It is ok to wake up before any normal human being should ever voluntarily wake

These are all well known rules. But did you know that toddlers come with their own physics? If you have a toddler, you probably do, for the childless amongst us, let me enlighten you with a comparison of some of the major laws of physics and the Toddler Laws of Physics.

• The Law of Gravity explains the attractive force between a pair of masses.

• The Toddler Law of Gravity states:  There is none, until it kicks your ass. Toddlers can climb, jump, scale, or teeter, across, along, or up anything until they can't, then they can't....hard! 

• The Law of Conservation of Energy states: The total energy in a closed or isolated system is constant, no matter what happens. 

• The Toddler Law of Energy Conservation states: The total energy in a toddler system will exponentially increase until something breaks, or he has a melt down, then the energy will exhibit a sudden and precipitous drop.

• The Law of Conservation of Momentum states: The total momentum in a closed or isolated system remains constant. 

• See the Toddler law of energy conservation above.

Ok, so that gives you an idea of what I'm talking about, but here's the one that makes me question Newton, Einstein, and Hawking's scientific legitimacy...or at least their thoroughness in having obviously not researched Toddler Physics even a little bit.

• The Law of Conservation of Mass states: The mass in an isolated system is constant.

This is complete and total bullshit, as anyone who has ever tried to remove a toddler from a carseat, chair, swing, floor, or any other surface, from which he or she does not wish to be removed, knows.

• The Toddler Law of Conservation of Mass states: Toddlers have the uncanny (and mildly disturbing) ability to significantly, and instantly, increase their own mass.

In my extensive studies over the course of 2.5 years, I have learned that this final law of Toddler Physics can, and is, employed at will. I am currently researching whether or not this law has an impact on the Toddler Law of Gravity, as it seems that the resistant child can also strongly influence the pull an object exerts on his body, further complicating the attempted extraction. More information on this as my research proceeds.